Scientifiction Theatre Presents: The Power of Brine
Written 28 June 2002
[Based on the works at <http://www.seanet.com/~sunburn/>]
(Music. Superimpose title on a rotating, dish-like object, mounted on top of an oscilloscope cabinet:
SCIENTIFICTION PLAYHOUSE:
THE POWER OF BRINE
The camera rotates past several multichannel mixers and comes to rest on COOLIDGE MERCER sitting behind a desk and holding a lump of coal.)
MERCER
Good evening and welcome to Scientification Playhouse. Here I have an ordinary lump of coal. Science teaches us that coal can be burned to create energy.
(MERCER puts down the coal and removes a wilted head of lettuce from one of the desk's drawers.)
MERCER
Physicists have recently discovered that coal was originally a carbonic, living object, identical to this lettuce in every way. Through a process that is not yet fully understood, the lettuce was gradually hardened and turned black, so that the energy that could once have been used to help a caveman toss a spear at a dinosaur can now be used to propel a car, or to keep a gyroscope from spinning out of control.
(MERCER puts the lettuce down next to the coal. The camera slowly ZOOMS IN on the coal and lettuce.)
MERCER
But can we use coal to directly give us power like the kind we get from eating lettuce? Science does not yet know, but science is finding out as we speak.
(The lettuce and coal fill the entire screen.)
MERCER
Tonight's story explores the connection between food and energy. This story could be taking place in any research lab in the United States at this very moment!
ACT I
(Title:
THE POWER OF BRINE
(A kitchen with a sink and a refrigerator. A woman in a dress and apron is doing the dishes. A small boy is playing with a toy truck. For some reason a large box of paper clips is perched on top of the refrigerator.)
BOY
Brrm! Brrm!
(He gives the truck a good push and it rolls off behind the refrigerator. The boy starts crying. The woman turns around to see what's going on.)
WOMAN
Now, Junior, you know that big boys don't cry.
(With an effort, the boy goes from outright crying to sniffling.)
WOMAN
I'm sorry your truck is gone, but why don't I give you a nice pickle to play with? I know you love pickles!
(The boy's face lights up. The woman opens the refigerator, accidentally knocking the paper clips all over the floor.)
WOMAN
Oh, drat! I'll go get the broom. But first, your pickle, Junior!
(She gets a pickle and hands it to the boy. We FOLLOW her as she goes to the broom closet.)
WOMAN (talking to herself)
What were those paper clips doing there, anyway? Bob must have left them there when he went to his job at the atomic power plant. I hope he didn't need them for anything!
(An ODD HUMMING NOISE starts to build. The woman looks startled and hurries back to the kitchen. We follow her.)
WOMAN
Junior! What --
(She subsides into silence, shocked. The boy has embedded two paper clips into the pickle and plugged it into a power outlet. SPARKS (created by scratching the film negative) fly off the pickle in an alarming way. The boy giggles happily. The HUMMING NOISE SWELLS and:)
(Music. Commercial.)
ACT II
(Title:
THE POWER OF BRINE
Several men in lab coats stand around a GLOWING PICKLE on a lab bench. A film projector is also on the desk.)
BOMBARD
I'm glad you brought this to our attention, Bob.
BOB
Well, Dr. Bombard, as soon as my wife told me about the pickle, I knew that this might be the new power source we were looking for.
BOMBARD
And you were right. The power contained in this pickle could power your wife's vacuum cleaner for a century! (Both of them LAUGH.) Look at this.
(Bombard starts the projector. The film shows a pair of mice walking around on a rotating turntable, seen from above.)
BOMBARD
These mice have been fed half-sour dill pickles. As you can see, the pickles have energized them to an extent never seen before.
BOB
I -- I had no idea. And so --
BOMBARD
Yes, your young son has now given us a way to transform that energy into harmless light and heat. We need no longer rely on dangerous geothermal energy to power our windmills!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC quickly SWELLS and FADES. Another man in a lab coat rushes into the room.)
MAN
Doctor Bombard! The tests from the pickled beets just came in!
BOMBARD
And?
MAN
They're almost 100% as powerful!
(Dr. Bombard looks stunned.)
BOB
I don't understand!
BOMBARD
Pickled beets are known in Communist Korea as Chin Kee. If pickled beets are more powerful than American pickles then the Koreans may have the advantage!
(Music. Commercial.)
ACT III
(Title:
THE POWER OF BRINE
General Ferrand, in a uniform with many medals pinned to it, sits at a desk in an office. The desk has a telephone and a projector on it. Bob and Dr. Bombard are shown in.)
FERRAND
Good afternoon, gentlemen. I'm glad you could make it. The army is doing field tests right now to find out more about the "beet problem."
BOMBARD
If there's anything we can do to help, please say the word, General Ferrand.
FERRAND
Thank you. I appreciate that.
(Ferrand gets up from his desk and starts pacing.)
FERRAND
To think that we've been searching and searching, and all along it has been beets that have been the answer! I only hope that the world can survive this revelation. Watch this.
(He starts the projector. A grainy film of an atomic bomb exploding is projected.)
FERRAND
All our studies show that a single beet contains the energy of a thousand pluton bombs.
BOB
Our studies show the same.
(The telephone rings. General Ferrand picks it up.)
FERRAND
Yes, General Ferrand here. (He pauses.) What? (Another pause.) You're kidding! (After another pause, he hangs up.) That was the President of the United States. Apparently a new beet blight has just appeared. Soon, all the world's beets will be gone!
BOMBARD AND BOB
What?
FERRAND
That's right, we got lucky this time. It's almost as if...
BOB
Something were looking out for us?
BOMBARD
Maybe something is.
EPILOGUE
(COOLIDGE MERCER's desk, where he's twiddling with a Rubik's Cube.)
MERCER
A strange vegetable plague that possibly saves the world. An odd power source derived from vinegar and fruits. And a bizarre coincidence that might. . .just might. . . .point to something bigger. The story we have told you today is fiction. None of the things in it actually happened. But scientists deal with things similar in some respects to what we have described all the time. To talk about these issues, I have asked our friend Dr. Waide here to answer some questions. Welcome, Dr. Waide!
WAIDE (into the camera)
Hello, Mr. Mercer.
MERCER
Will the United States get all of its power from fruits and vegetables some day, Dr. Waide?
WAIDE (into the camera)
Here (produces diagram) we see the life-cycle of the common cucumber. As you can see, it starts as one or more seeds, and ends up as a large oval object. If we could harnass the power that it takes to make an object grow like that, we suspect that it would be trivial to create a simple machine that, in layman's terms, would "put out" more energy than it "took in". A single such machine could be used to power part of an entire city block!
MERCER
What uses do you think will be made of this new source of energy, Doctor?
WAIDE
With more electricity available, computers will become larger and more common than ever before. I predict that by the time today's college graduates graduate from college many institutions will have a computer the size of the Empire State Building which will help them with particularly difficult sums.
MERCER (smiling broadly)
Thank you, Dr. Waide. (To camera) Join us next week for another exciting adventure in the world of fiction...and science. (Music. End credits.)
This was something random written by Jacob Haller. To see another random thing, click here. To get a permanent link to this particular random thing, click here.
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