The Current King of France

Written 1 December 2000

The current King of France has one blue eye and one brown eye. He has blond hair but it's a wig and sometimes it's red hair except when it's a bald wig. He's very tall. No, that's not true, he's short. Actually he's the average height for his weight. When he sneezes people sit up and take notice. His ears are long and thin and he sometimes ties them underneath his chin to keep them from flapping in the breeze. His native language is French but it's English no it's Spanish no no it's French after all.

No, that's all a pack of lies. The current King of France is twenty-eight years old and wears glasses. He has a beard and drives a Toyota Corolla which he sometimes says is cursed. He occasionally mutters things to himself, usually short exclamations like "No!" or "Ah!" but occasionally longer things like "Life is good" or "Ah, right, butter!"

I don't know what any of this means.

The current King of France commisioned a study to determine if he exists. It concluded that he did, but some people claim the study was biased. There's a website, www.kingoffrance.com, but it's not his; it was snapped up by a random corporation before anyone else could get to it and there isn't anything on it except a notice saying the site is under construction in about a dozen languages, one of which is French. There aren't any rumors about him; he's not rumored to be a woman, or a man, or a transsexual; there haven't been any tabloid articles linking him with other celebrities or the royalty of other nations.


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